Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Waiting for the morning...

9 years ago today Adam and I went on our first date. It was the start of a beautiful love and friendship, and I have never, ever regretted it. We have made a commitment to each other to stay together no matter where this road takes us. We have held true to that, even through the most difficult of journeys. Now, we are once again choosing to embark on a long journey that we desperately hope will end in smiles and not tears.

I am pregnant again.

While there is much relief and some amount of hope, there is also great fear and anxiety. This will not be the pregnancy we had dreamed of. No, it is too late for that. There is not ever going to be a point in this pregnancy where we can breathe a sigh of relief. Not until we are holding a full term, healthy baby in our arms.

Still, we are trying to be cautiously optimistic about this one and hope that in time we will be able to allow excitement over the pregnancy to become real to us, and not hollow, as is it now.

Adam and I are chosing to take a great risk - to love. Hopefully we will not lose again. We need much love, prayers, and support to sustain us on this long journey.

As a side note, I have chosen not to make my new pregnancy the focus of this blog, and have created another one for that purpose: However, I'm sure I will write updates on this blog as well, from time to time.

Monday, October 23, 2006

The flame is dim

I am not satisfied. I feel lost. And empty inside.

I work so hard at personal recovery and personal growth, especially coming out of a horrible tragedy, and the years before that of disillusionment and severe disappointment. I've never been one to just "let myself go." No, I have always sought help in every way I can. I’m committed to my counseling, to talking and writing about what I’m going through, reading endless books, staying healthy, keeping up with friends as much as I can, and continuing hobbies like playing the piano. I set high goals for myself, many of which may be unattainable. I feel like I am on the right path - after all, I am seeking.

Adam and I had a long talk last night. Often when I feel lost and empty inside, no matter how hard I try to reconnect to God, I feel like I hit a dead end. When we talk about this, we often talk in circles until the conversation finally turns to the person of Jesus, and what He has to do with me and my life. That is, what difference does He make to me? Many times I don’t know. Oh, I could give you an intellectual answer, but that doesn’t satisfy me and it wouldn’t satisfy you either. This is a hard place to go, and yet I know this is exactly where the conversation needs to end up.

I’ve read some really truthful and touching books on Jesus (particularly by Phillip Yancey), all of which are supposed to gently help me get to know and experience Him personally. These books really have touched me, and not just intellectually. I feel like I really have seen some things – even to the point of being moved to tears. I’ve read things that have made me think, as I was reading, “There are some real answers here. I’ve got to read this again and again until I ‘get’ it. I know the answer is here in the person of Jesus – I can sense it, but I just can’t grasp it!”

Why can’t I grasp it? What is wrong?

I don't want my flame to die out.

Please forgive me for turning off the comments here. I'm just too sensitive at the moment to allow comments. And after all, this is something I'm going to have to experience on my own anyway. Let's hope that day comes soon.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

True or not, it still touched me

I just read one of those email forwards with the touching stories that people send you, that ends with a statement telling you to send it to lots of other people. I am not a big fan of forwards, but I actually read this one because it told the story of a very prematurely born baby - one born just 4 weeks older than baby Zach when he was born. I have no idea if this story is true, but it had lots of pictures of the tiny baby and family. If it's not true, someone went to alot of work to put this together. Anyway, I'm not going to copy the whole story and pictures here, but I'll just summarize.

A lady had to have an emergency C-section at 24 weeks, and amazingly, the baby survived without any of the problems the doctors predicted. She is now a healthy child. The story focuses on the first several months of her life, though, when the parents could not even touch or hold the baby because she was SO premature that skin contact would harm her.

The story then fast forwards to a day when the child was sitting outdoors with her mother, and said "Do you know what it smells like?" Her mother looked at the gathering thunder clouds and replied, "Yes, it smells like rain." "No," the little girl responded, "It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."

The email then says that this was evidence to the mother and the rest of the family that God was indeed caring for the young baby during the time when they could not physically care for her themselves. God was so close to her that she remembered His scent years later.

This gave me hope that baby Zach was lovingly taken care of in those last few minutes when he was dying in my womb.

If you want the actual email with the pictures, etc, let me know and I can email it to you.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Ok, so it's been awhile since I've posted, and it's been a REALLY long time since I posted anything light-hearted. A co-worker of mine sent the following to me by email and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share it. The last line is kind of cheesy so I almost deleted it, but "19 ways..." doesn't sound as cool as "20 ways..." Anyway, my personal favorites are #7, #17 and #18.

20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the Prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "To Go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I Won! I Won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
and the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. E-mail this to someone to make them's called therapy.

Sunday, October 01, 2006


Here is the tree we planted in baby Zach's memory. We planted it right outside the room that would have been his nursery. It is a gingko tree, and its leaves will turn a beautiful yellow/gold in the fall. Wish us luck at keeping it alive - we don't have a very good track record with plants...

Adam and I recenlty learned that gingko herbs are used to enhance memory. We thought that was pretty cool, seeing as Zach's name means "The Lord will remember"- and this tree is in honor of him.

The other remembrance we have purchased is a ring. It is a March birthstone ring - in memory of the month baby Zach was born. The stone is a heart-shaped aquamarine set in white gold. I love it.