The flame is dim

I am not satisfied. I feel lost. And empty inside.

I work so hard at personal recovery and personal growth, especially coming out of a horrible tragedy, and the years before that of disillusionment and severe disappointment. I've never been one to just "let myself go." No, I have always sought help in every way I can. I’m committed to my counseling, to talking and writing about what I’m going through, reading endless books, staying healthy, keeping up with friends as much as I can, and continuing hobbies like playing the piano. I set high goals for myself, many of which may be unattainable. I feel like I am on the right path - after all, I am seeking.

Adam and I had a long talk last night. Often when I feel lost and empty inside, no matter how hard I try to reconnect to God, I feel like I hit a dead end. When we talk about this, we often talk in circles until the conversation finally turns to the person of Jesus, and what He has to do with me and my life. That is, what difference does He make to me? Many times I don’t know. Oh, I could give you an intellectual answer, but that doesn’t satisfy me and it wouldn’t satisfy you either. This is a hard place to go, and yet I know this is exactly where the conversation needs to end up.

I’ve read some really truthful and touching books on Jesus (particularly by Phillip Yancey), all of which are supposed to gently help me get to know and experience Him personally. These books really have touched me, and not just intellectually. I feel like I really have seen some things – even to the point of being moved to tears. I’ve read things that have made me think, as I was reading, “There are some real answers here. I’ve got to read this again and again until I ‘get’ it. I know the answer is here in the person of Jesus – I can sense it, but I just can’t grasp it!”

Why can’t I grasp it? What is wrong?

I don't want my flame to die out.

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Please forgive me for turning off the comments here. I'm just too sensitive at the moment to allow comments. And after all, this is something I'm going to have to experience on my own anyway. Let's hope that day comes soon.