Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Zach's ginkgo

The leaves on our new ginkgo tree turned a beautiful yellow recently. This is part of the reason we chose this tree (among other things).

Unfortunately, we didn't get to enjoy it for too long, because the leaves have already started falling off! (In fact, it's starting to look a little bit like Charlie Brown's pathetic Christmas tree).

Still, it is pretty to see the sprinkling of bright yellow leaves among the green grass.

Here's to hoping Zach's tree makes it through the winter...

Thursday, November 16, 2006

One year ago today

A year ago today Adam's and my lives were changed forever. That was the day we found out I was pregnant with Zach. I will never forget that day. After wanting to be get pregnant for 2 1/2 years and trying for 18 months of that time, I was pretty spent, and unsure it was even possible. But after using a miracle ovulatory drug, I conceived. We were elated - although I do still remember being nervous about a possible miscarriage (not nearly to the degree that I am now though!). Still, we enjoyed getting to tell all our friends, family and coworkers. A few days after we found out, Adam and I had already had a trip planned to go down to San Antonio and stay at a hotel on the Riverwalk. It was quite a wonderful trip, having just found out I was pregnant. I think we spent the trip trying to comprehend the big news. Then a few days afterwards, we went into Thanksgiving having a very big reason to be thankful.

This year as we approach Thanksgiving we have another reason to be thankful - another chance at bringing a child - ours - into the world. The pessimist in me finds it hard to be thankful, since I know I can lose this baby at any given moment. And, because no matter how much joy I could potentially receive from this child, it doesn't take away the pain and grief tied to my first baby. Still, I am remembering the words written by John Claypool that spoke of gratitude being the only way out of the pit of grief and despair. I want to be grateful for this new baby – and to be grateful for Zach too. For the few months we he was in our lives, he did bring joy.

On this special anniversary day, here’s to hoping that Zach’s younger brother/sister will live to meet us and that someday we can share this with him or her.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Feeling anguish today

Life can seem so cruel sometimes. Why does one person have to go through extreme suffering and loss after years of waiting for a child, and another naively welcomes a baby easily conceived into the world without a second thought that anything could have gone wrong.

Why is my son dead and another woman's is alive?

About the only consolation here is that I'm not alone in asking this question.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I'm missing my baby boy

Do not hurry
As you walk with grief
It does not help the journey

Walk slowly
Pausing often
Do not hurry
As you walk with grief

Be gentle with the other
Who walks with grief
If it is you
Be gentle with yourself
Swiftly forgive
Walk slowly
Pausing often

Take time, be gentle
as you walk with grief