Thank you

I hope this doesn't sound cheesy, but I just wanted to take time out to say thank you to the people who read my blog regularly. It means so much to me to know that people (both those I know and those who I don't know) are reading what I write. Especially when so much of it is straight from the bottom of my heart. You don't know how therapeutic this is for me.

If you read my blog regularly and I don't know you in person, I'd love for you to introduce yourself. I realize that many people are just lurkers and don't respond to these kinds of things (I know because I'm often a lurker myself), so I understand if no one responds. But if any of you feel like you would like to say hi, I'd love to hear from you. And if by some wild chance, anything I have written has ever touched you, I'd love to hear that too.

Ok, that's all. Thanks again for reading.

Repentance and lament

Somewhere I read that repentance and lament always go hand in hand. Repentance either comes before or after lament.

Jesus, be gentle with me, for I am broken and what is left of my heart is so fragile. Speak tenderly to me, for I am a miserable wretch in great need.

Look up, Child. I am here.
Arise and come with Me, for your sins are already forgiven.

Quote of the week

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist posting this. I came across it on the web today and I thought it was both fitting and funny. Maybe no one else will think so... (so I hope I'm not offending anyone!)

"I must admit that other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico"

Do not pass me by

Lately I've felt like the sick person that Jesus passed by on His way to heal others. I see so much healing in the lives of those around me; so many of their prayers answered. God seems to have given so many others abundant love and praise for Himself; an ability to see Him and be touched by Him.

Yet I experience none of this in my own life. I feel overlooked, forgotten, and passed by.
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Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by!

Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by!

--Fanny Crosby, 1870

Limits/Lamentations 5

There is only so much pain that a person can endure. There are limits, and when those limits are reached, something has to change.

I'm starting to feel like the only way to continue going through life is to harden myself and become stoic. Although this is NOT how I normally operate, I feel driven by desperation and almost feel as if I do not have a choice. I just cannot suffer like this daily and survive!

There is only so much pain and heartache that a person can bear!

Remember, O LORD, what has happened to me; look, and see my disgrace.
My inheritance has been turned over to aliens, my home to foreigners.
Those who pursue me are at my heels; I am weary and find no rest.
Slaves rule over me, and there is none to free me from their hands.

Joy is gone from my heart; my dancing has turned to mourning.

Because of these things my heart is faint;
because of these things my eyes grow dim.

Why do You always forget me?
Why do You forsake me so long?

Restore me to Yourself, O Lord, that I may return;
renew my days as of old unless you have utterly rejected me and are angry with me beyond measure.

O Jesus! though thou wilt not yet come in,
Knock at my window as thou passest by.

--GMD, Thomas Wingfold

The beauty of friends who love us

A bouquet lovingly pieced together and given to us, along with
individual notes of comfort, on the day our baby was due

Even though our friends can't understand, they really do care.

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Note: this is only one of the many ways we were shown love on that day.

Grief, Wounds and Scars

Last night I was caught off-guard as a tidal wave of grief swept over me, unannounced. Hundreds of images flooded my mind - images that will never be. Of me holding my son, rocking him, singing to him, changing his diaper, feeding him, loving him. The pain was intense.

I have many wounds. Not just from the last few months but from all the heartache of the last 3 years of my life. The biggest wound is, of course, the loss of my baby boy. I thought I had experienced pain before that, but nothing compared to the intense grief I experienced (and still experience) from losing him.

Wounds tend to heal over time. That is, if they are taken care of. They will eventually go away. But scars don't. They remain forever. Each time I've had a wound, a scar has come up in it's place. I feel so covered in scars I can't see any of myself that I even recognize anymore. My image is marred.

From time to time I have thought about victims of rape and have felt a sort of understanding (in a totally different context, of course) with them. Yes, I realize this is extreme imagery. The main feeling I have been identifying with is violation. I have never felt so violated, so humiliated, so used and tossed away. Not by anyone, but by life. Or by God - but I don't know what I think about that. My innocence has been stolen from me. I will never get it back. That thought is suffocating to me.

I am ruined. The damage is irreparable. I've lost so many pieces of me that I feel as if I am a ghost. A shadow of who I used to be.