The last day of 2006

It's the last day of 2006 and I am more than ready to close out the year. As I face 2007, I am clinging to HOPE.

Hope for healing and redemption - can this awful year ever be redeemed?

Hope for new life - not just for our new baby but for Adam and me as well.

Hope for dreams to finally be fulfilled.

Hope for the inner peace that has evaded me for far too long.

Hope for restoration with God.

Mercy, Abba.

On the sonogram table

For much of this month, I have been thinking about looking for God. Or, not even so much actively looking for God as even just being open to seeing Him. If that makes sense. I have been thinking some on the concept of Advent - watching and waiting in expectation of Him. I grew up without celebrating the tradition of Advent (or Lent, or other higher-church traditions), so this is somewhat unfamiliar to me. But the more I have thought about it, the more that the Christmas season has meant to me. And the more I have desired to keep my eyes open, just for the faint possibility that perhaps I will see, or experience, God.

And, I think I did. In the sonogram room at Waco Center for Women's Health on Tuesday afternoon: We are having a baby girl. That is unreal to me. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be having a girl. It is not just the fact that I wanted a girl - and that this is the beginning of the fulfillment of a dream of mine - it goes way beyond that. I just can't express the significance of this in words, but I'll try. By having a girl, Adam and I have a chance to create a new experience, instead of following the same path as our last pregnancy when at this point in the pregnancy we were expecting a boy, talking about boy names, and trying to decide on boy-ish nursery themes. If we were having a boy this time, it would be hard and almost eery to be back in the same place as we were last time, since it all ended so tragically.

It goes without saying that Adam and I desperately don't want to repeat our last experience. And I know that having a girl doesn't guarantee anything as far as having a successful pregnancy, but what it does help do is make this path that we are now on already different from the last pregnancy.

I really just can't seem to put into words what a big deal this is to me. It has only become clear to me how big of a deal it is since Tuesday when we found out it's a girl - I was amazed by the amount of relief and hope in me that I have felt. Even - imagine this - some joy and happiness. I really, really needed for this to be a girl. And I didn't even realize that until this week.

But God did. Realize it, that is.

And so, as I lay there on the exam table in the sonogram room experiencing both amazement and joy that we were actually going to have a girl, I saw God.

Baby Girl Moore

Yesterday we found out we're having a girl. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. For more details and pictures, see www.waitingforthemorning.blogspot.com. Please remember us in this critical period when we are so afraid of preterm labor and losing this new baby.

The other day I was searching for a photo on my computer at home and randomly came across the picture file of the last sonogram we have of Zach. I have to admit, it made my heart skip a beat. There was his beautiful head, with a perfect view of his profile. I still can't get over the fact that this was a real person who is no more. That he died before he even lived.

A pen-pal friend of mine who lost her baby at 6 months the very day before me wrote to me about experiencing this Christmas without her baby girl. She is having a hard time with it. I thought about that some. I think that I definitely would be having a much harder time if I were not pregnant again, but even so, when I really let myself go there - I come up against some raw, sharp pain. What do you do with the thoughts of "what should have been"? We were supposed to be celebrating little Zach's first Christmas, and smothering him with love and gifts.

I just can't even comprehend it, so I think sometimes I just don't think about it. I don't know if that is healthy or not. Probably not.

We found out that Zach's grave marker is supposed to arrive at the cemetery next week. Actually, it is supposed to arrive on the same day when we are scheduled to have a sonogram to find out if we're having a boy or a girl. What a mixture of emotions - joy and heartache.

My children.

Blah

I hate writer's block. I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head, day after day, and I am unable to get them down on paper (er, the computer screen).

Blah.