The other day I was searching for a photo on my computer at home and randomly came across the picture file of the last sonogram we have of Zach. I have to admit, it made my heart skip a beat. There was his beautiful head, with a perfect view of his profile. I still can't get over the fact that this was a real person who is no more. That he died before he even lived.

A pen-pal friend of mine who lost her baby at 6 months the very day before me wrote to me about experiencing this Christmas without her baby girl. She is having a hard time with it. I thought about that some. I think that I definitely would be having a much harder time if I were not pregnant again, but even so, when I really let myself go there - I come up against some raw, sharp pain. What do you do with the thoughts of "what should have been"? We were supposed to be celebrating little Zach's first Christmas, and smothering him with love and gifts.

I just can't even comprehend it, so I think sometimes I just don't think about it. I don't know if that is healthy or not. Probably not.

We found out that Zach's grave marker is supposed to arrive at the cemetery next week. Actually, it is supposed to arrive on the same day when we are scheduled to have a sonogram to find out if we're having a boy or a girl. What a mixture of emotions - joy and heartache.

My children.