On the sonogram table

For much of this month, I have been thinking about looking for God. Or, not even so much actively looking for God as even just being open to seeing Him. If that makes sense. I have been thinking some on the concept of Advent - watching and waiting in expectation of Him. I grew up without celebrating the tradition of Advent (or Lent, or other higher-church traditions), so this is somewhat unfamiliar to me. But the more I have thought about it, the more that the Christmas season has meant to me. And the more I have desired to keep my eyes open, just for the faint possibility that perhaps I will see, or experience, God.

And, I think I did. In the sonogram room at Waco Center for Women's Health on Tuesday afternoon: We are having a baby girl. That is unreal to me. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be having a girl. It is not just the fact that I wanted a girl - and that this is the beginning of the fulfillment of a dream of mine - it goes way beyond that. I just can't express the significance of this in words, but I'll try. By having a girl, Adam and I have a chance to create a new experience, instead of following the same path as our last pregnancy when at this point in the pregnancy we were expecting a boy, talking about boy names, and trying to decide on boy-ish nursery themes. If we were having a boy this time, it would be hard and almost eery to be back in the same place as we were last time, since it all ended so tragically.

It goes without saying that Adam and I desperately don't want to repeat our last experience. And I know that having a girl doesn't guarantee anything as far as having a successful pregnancy, but what it does help do is make this path that we are now on already different from the last pregnancy.

I really just can't seem to put into words what a big deal this is to me. It has only become clear to me how big of a deal it is since Tuesday when we found out it's a girl - I was amazed by the amount of relief and hope in me that I have felt. Even - imagine this - some joy and happiness. I really, really needed for this to be a girl. And I didn't even realize that until this week.

But God did. Realize it, that is.

And so, as I lay there on the exam table in the sonogram room experiencing both amazement and joy that we were actually going to have a girl, I saw God.