Thursday, May 10, 2007


I realize it has been awhile since I've posted. My "reflections" have been few and far between as of late. My brain, heart and body have been extremely preoccupied and overwhelmed by a million thoughts and emotions as I prepare to give birth to a healthy, live, baby -- something I have many times wondered if was ever possible. (See my "waiting" blog for the birth plans...).

Being a naturally introspective and reflective person, I feel like I have lost myself somewhat in the last few months - but then again, that feeling is not new at all. It's something I've dealt with over the past 3 to 4 years. A kind of numbness or emptiness, I guess.

However, I do feel some yearning inside. Yearning for a sense of who I really am, but more than that, yearning for my God. I can say that it's been awhile since I've consciously made time to think about/spend time with Him, especially since my reading material has been solely pregnancy/baby/parenting for the last 2 to 3 months. The last "spiritual" book I read was "Where is God when bad things happen." (very well worth my time, by the way). However, just because I haven't consciously made time to think about Him does not necessarily mean He has not invaded my thoughts here and there.

I feel almost like I'm setting myself up for defeat if I expect to reconnect with God at the same time as trying to take care of a newborn infant (and being a first time parent). You know, all the people that say your life as you know it is over, you'll never sleep again or have time to yourself, etc. I'm not saying those things aren't true - I certainly want to have realistic expectations about parenthood, and in all the years I've been strongly desiring to be a mother, I have never tried to gloss over all the difficulties and hardships that I know/have been told come with it. But I, and Adam, for that matter, do have a hope (even if just a small one) that this birth and subsequent relationship with our child will begin (continue?) to bridge a very deep chasm between us and God - that is, that it will be a strong agent towards healing. Deep healing. Will you hope with us?