Reflections in the Mirror

Prompted by St Francis

2008-07-29T16:21:00.001-05:00

The time has come to
live intentionally
Yesterday is
full of grace
I long for
my life to reflect my values
Now I want to
slow down
No excuses
to leave the present moment
My life
happens one day at a time
Tomorrow is
full of grace

Red hot pizza

2008-06-11T09:16:00.002-05:00

Last night I learned that spices really do alter the taste of food! I usually follow directions with spices, but sometimes I add a "touch" more -- probably in secret hopes that I will come up with some awesome recipe that everyone will love and ask for.

So I made homemade pizza last night. The recipe calls for a little bit of crushed red pepper, and I followed the instructions perfectly. But then I remembered that the last time I made pizza, Adam had said the dough was a little tasteless. So I thought, hey, I'll just add some spices to it. So I added some garlic powder, and onion salt, and... crushed red pepper. Lots of it.

Adam took one bite and had to get a drink of water immediately. He managed to eat 2 pieces, but downed 3 glasses of water in the process. And afterwards he said his lips were burning! Hmm. He can eat more spicy foods than me, so after watching him, I knew I was not going to get my nice pizza dinner last night. I picked at it here and there, and ended up eating a bowl of cereal instead :(

I had also planned on giving some of the pizza to Ivy, as I'm trying to give her the same foods that we eat, but after seeing Adam's reaction, I opted not to!

Despite the spicy-ness of the pizza, Adam said he wanted to save the rest of it. So, it's in our fridge. Anyone want some red hot pizza?

My other baby

2008-05-13T09:23:00.002-05:00

Sweet Ivy Grace turns 1 year old today. She has brought so much joy to our lives. We love her so much!

My baby

2008-03-10T09:33:00.003-05:00

Dedicating today to the memory of my first born son, Zach, whom I lost two years ago today. He will always be my first born, and I will never stop loving him.

In loving remembrance.

Current reflection

2008-02-07T14:05:00.001-06:00

For the first time in a number of years, I can honestly say that I am happy. Happy.

My long winter is over. I feel springtime inside me and I have been wanting to share the blooms. Hopefully I can get back into blogging soon. I don't know if I can hold it inside much longer.

2007-12-14T14:25:00.000-06:00

Disappointment
Disillusionment
Distrust
Despair
Depression
Death

Hope
Help
Healing
Harmony
Humanity
Holiness
Him

Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

What a difference a year makes

2007-09-15T12:08:00.000-05:00

One year ago today we found out I was pregnant with Ivy. That began 9 long months of hope mixed with fear. But we made it through and now she is here with us. We have experienced so much healing through having her in our lives. I cannot imagine life without her now. I love her so much!

Suprised by joy, gratitude... and grief

2007-07-24T15:04:00.000-05:00

What a summer this has been. There were many days (months, years!) that I wondered if I would ever be spending my days caring for a baby - my baby. The joy and wonder and relief have been powerful. During times of intense frustration and exhaustion (common to all new parents, I know), I am sometimes overcome with a sense of gratitude. The theme of remembrance is still at the front of my mind- remembering where I have been, what I have gone through, what it has taken to bring little Ivy into the world. When I remember the years of hopelessness and pain and grief and longing, the current sleeplessness and feelings of being overwhelmed are a little more bearable. What a true gift she is - I just cannot get over the realization that she's really here, and she's healthy, and she's all mine. I am living out a dream that only existed in my mind for such a long time. And for that, I am thankful.

Alongside of this is remembrance of those around me who are hurting in this area. I have three dear friends who all have been trying to conceive for over 2 years. So many potential babies lost, every month! A professor at my old job just lost his 6 year old son to cancer after fighting for his life for 4 1/2 years. The funeral was heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. I almost had to leave, it was so painful. I just heard today about a classmate of my husband's whose baby, diagnosed with severe defects, died in the womb just a few weeks away from the due date. I also heard today about a friend of a friend, who had a miscarriage last year and is pregnant again, only to find out this baby has severe defects of the limbs (though as I understand it, thankfully this baby should live). These precious little children! It hurts so much to see them and their families suffer. My heart breaks and tears flow with each of these as I remember them and their pain, and again I am filled with a sense of deep gratitude. Why have we been blessed when others are hurting so? We have been showered with grace - and that is part of the reason we chose Grace as Ivy's middle name.

Still, despite my joy and gratitude, I did not expect to be simultaneously overwhelmed with grief. While I know from reading about others' experiences that it is not uncommon for a bereaved parent to experience renewed grief upon the birth of a subsequent child, I had hopes that I had done "such a good job" at working my way through my grief over Zach that perhaps it wouldn't still haunt me after Ivy was born.

But it does. The intense grief I often save for my counseling visits - at home I really dont have the time or energy to fully immerse myself in it. After all, I've got a beautiful baby girl to love and take care of, so the thoughts that pop up into my head are usually relegated to a sense of sadness of what should have been. After all, tomorrow, we should have been celebrating little Zach's 1st birthday (it is the anniversary of his due date). The realization of this fact is incredibly painful - the intensity of which has surprised me. Honestly, if I think about it for very long, I get a very real physical pain in my heart.

And yet, the fact remains that while I do have two children, I can never have both of them here with me. While I feel that I would do anything to get Zach back, I wouldn't give up Ivy to get him back. A mother's heart torn. (I realize no one is asking me to choose between my children - but it is a feeling I struggle with). The birth of my precious daughter has given me renewed hope, real joy, and an overwhelming sense of relief. I love her like crazy and am so happy she is here. But still, complete peace evades me, for I have two children, yet we are a family of three, not four. The word I think that best describes this situation I'm in is bittersweet.

Tomorrow Adam and I are going to the cemetery where little Zach is buried. I'd like to go remembering not only him and what would have been, but the others I've mentioned.

Dedicated to the memory of my little baby boy Zach, who would have turned one year old tomorrow.

The Couch

2007-06-08T17:50:00.000-05:00

I love our living room couches. This was the first set of furniture that Adam and I ever bought, and we have been pleased with our purchase since day one.

I have spent many hours on the main couch. Many evenings I have sat on the couch and read books, or watched a movie with Adam, or visited with friends or family. Since I went part time at work, I have spent many afternoons napping on this couch as well.

Today I laid on this couch in our living room and let my sweet daughter take a nap on my chest. She napped with me for over an hour. I began reflecting in wonder on this.

This is the same couch where I spent much time dreaming of being pregnant and having children, and crying in frustration (sometimes alone, sometimes with Adam, sometimes with friends) as we dealt with infertility. This is the same couch where my parents were sitting when we first told them we were pregnant with Zach. The same couch where I napped when pregnant with Zach, dreaming dreams of the little baby inside. This is the same couch where I spent hours agonizing and grieving over his death and trying to grasp what happened to my precious son. Where I sat furiously writing my thoughts to God in anger and anguish, where I tried to soothe my wounded heart listening to soft music, and where I spent hours watching people and cars go by through the window. Where I spent much time reading every book I could get my hands on that would minister to me. Where I was sitting when I thought I might be miscarrying after finding out I was pregnant last May. And it is the same couch where Adam was sitting when I told him the doctor's office had told me I was pregnant with Ivy last September (and where I freaked out, worrying that it was going to be another miscarriage).

And now, I am taking naps on this couch with my beautiful daughter. I can't believe she's here. I can't believe she's real. I can't believe she's mine. What a joy to share this couch with her.

Here comes the sun

2007-05-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

Ivy Grace Moore
Born Mothers Day, Sunday May 13th, 3:27 am
7 pounds, 20 inches

_________________________________

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darlin' it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darlin' it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darlin' the smiles returning to their faces
Little darlin' it seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
...

Little darlin' I feel the ice is slowly meltin'
Little darlin' it seems like years since it's been clear

Here come the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Here come the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right

Reflections

2007-05-10T14:36:00.000-05:00

I realize it has been awhile since I've posted. My "reflections" have been few and far between as of late. My brain, heart and body have been extremely preoccupied and overwhelmed by a million thoughts and emotions as I prepare to give birth to a healthy, live, baby -- something I have many times wondered if was ever possible. (See my "waiting" blog for the birth plans...).

Being a naturally introspective and reflective person, I feel like I have lost myself somewhat in the last few months - but then again, that feeling is not new at all. It's something I've dealt with over the past 3 to 4 years. A kind of numbness or emptiness, I guess.

However, I do feel some yearning inside. Yearning for a sense of who I really am, but more than that, yearning for my God. I can say that it's been awhile since I've consciously made time to think about/spend time with Him, especially since my reading material has been solely pregnancy/baby/parenting for the last 2 to 3 months. The last "spiritual" book I read was "Where is God when bad things happen." (very well worth my time, by the way). However, just because I haven't consciously made time to think about Him does not necessarily mean He has not invaded my thoughts here and there.

I feel almost like I'm setting myself up for defeat if I expect to reconnect with God at the same time as trying to take care of a newborn infant (and being a first time parent). You know, all the people that say your life as you know it is over, you'll never sleep again or have time to yourself, etc. I'm not saying those things aren't true - I certainly want to have realistic expectations about parenthood, and in all the years I've been strongly desiring to be a mother, I have never tried to gloss over all the difficulties and hardships that I know/have been told come with it. But I, and Adam, for that matter, do have a hope (even if just a small one) that this birth and subsequent relationship with our child will begin (continue?) to bridge a very deep chasm between us and God - that is, that it will be a strong agent towards healing. Deep healing. Will you hope with us?

Zach's genkgo

2007-04-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

I am happy to say that Zach's genkgo tree survived the winter! This picture was taken last week - and the tree has changed tremendously even since then. There are many more green leaves on it now. It's really beautiful. We really are relieved to see it budding, because all during the winter it gave us no sign as to whether it was still alive or not, and we don't know the first thing about "raising" trees...

I'm still here

2007-03-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. Some of the things I've been thinking about lately can be found on my friend Mark's blog (see posts on Kusher)...

Glasses

2007-03-15T10:27:00.000-05:00

I have been wearing my glasses (instead of my contacts) now for a year. I had just bought a good pair of glasses a few days before we lost Zach (ironically I had bought them to wear in the hospital - I just wasn't expecting to wear them so soon). After losing him, I felt this great urge to keep wearing them - even though I hadn't worn glasses since the 6th grade. After what I went through, I wanted to look different. I was not the same person anymore. As silly as it sounds, wearing my glasses was very meaningful to me. But it went beyond just how I looked. It also was a reminder of how much my vision of life had changed. You see, the theme of my blog since the very beginning has been "Reflections in the Mirror." At different times I have had different subtitles, such as "Things are not always as they seem" or the verse from I Corinthians 13 that says "Now we see but a poor reflection in the mirror" etc. The reason I chose this theme for my blog is because it has been a theme in my own life for the last 3-4 years now. Things have not been as they seem, and I have been discovering this through some rough life experiences. The strongest I have felt this theme has been in the last year, when I learned that I am not invicible and that life can be incredibly painful. And that God is not who I thought he was. I have seen so many things in the last 12 months that I could probably write a book someday. I dont mean to say that all these things I have seen are necessarily new and profound - some of them would probably sound very basic, others not so much so - but to me, they have all been incredibly significant and have shaped me into who I am today.

... And I have to say, as much as I would undo the tragedy that Adam and I have gone through IN A SECOND, I don't want go back to being who I was before, or seeing things the way I did before. You just can't go back. Both Adam and I feel this way. We have gained something unspeakable that will be with us always.

And so for now... I continue to wear my glasses.

2007-03-13T10:51:00.000-05:00

Adam and I spent Saturday remembering and honoring baby Zach with our close friends and family. The memorial was beautiful - it was exactly what we wanted and everything we needed. We have been reminded of how much we are truly loved.

March 10th

2007-03-10T19:40:00.000-06:00

It’s very hard to believe a year has gone by since our hearts were broken by baby Zach’s death. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him, in some way or another. I often wonder what he would have been like – his personality, his looks, his character. Would he have been outgoing, or shy? Would he have been a bookworm like his parents? Would he have had his daddy’s dry sense of humor, or been over-analytical like his momma? Would he have loved sports and supported the Steelers, like his dad, or loved the piano, like his mom? Even little things, like would he have pulled Toby’s tail out on the deck, or chased him around the yard? It’s sad to think that we will never know the answers to these questions.

There are so many unwritten “memories” that I have of him – things that will never come to be. His first steps, first day of school, first girlfriend, first time behind the wheel, high school and college graduation, wedding day, etc. This is what is the hardest about grief over one who died in the womb – you don’t have any memories. They are all just dreams that stay dreams.

It is difficult to know how to mourn for one I never met, but one whom I loved nonetheless. The world often has a hard time validating the significance of babies, especially ones that were never known or held. But we know that Zach was special – that He was God’s gift to us, and that he was greatly wanted and loved. I know I didn’t grasp this until we lost him. For truly, my short time with him has changed me forever. I am not the same person I was before him. That, if nothing else, serves to remind me just how precious he is. What little relationship I had with him in the womb was powerful – I didn’t even realize how much so until he was gone.

As for now, a year later, I’m still working hard to sort through all my feelings and thoughts regarding everything that has happened concerning Zach. I think I will be doing this for the rest of my life, although I anticipate greater relief and peace the further along I go. I believe he wants our joy to be restored, and our heartache to be redeemed. I like to believe that Zach is in heaven smiling at us, knowing how much we love him and wanted him to be a part of our earthly family. I like to believe that God has given him the ability to understand our difficulties in trying to grieve for him but also move on. That he knows he will always have a place in our heart as our first born son; even that he is excited about a baby sister coming for his mommy and daddy to hold. His sister will make us a family of four, even though only three of us are physically together. I’ve often read that a woman who loses a child, even one that was still in the womb, forever feels that her family is incomplete. I believe that is true.

This day is a powerful reminder of the excruciating pain and loss that Adam and I experienced with Zach’s death. There are no words to do it justice. Yet, we are comforted that while we wrestle with grief, Zach is at peace, in the arms of Jesus. While I know he wants to be with us, at least we can know that he is well taken care of, and that we will see him again someday. One of my favorite images of him to remember is a video of a sonogram that we had done just a few weeks before he died. At one point in the video, you can see him hold his hand up, and it appears he is waving to us. At the time we thought he was saying hello to us, but now, it is the final scene in my mind of saying goodbye. What a treasure to have that image of him, our baby boy.

Lovingly dedicated to the memory of Zach Moore, our first born son, who died before he was born on March 10, 2006.

March 9th

2007-03-09T09:00:00.000-06:00

Dedicating this post to the memory of Katie Laine Wrublesky, who was born too soon and passed away one year ago today, and who is in heaven with my baby Zach. Wishing peace and comfort on all of Katie's family.

Momentous week

2007-03-06T08:59:00.000-06:00

I am entering into a momentous week, for two different reasons. One being that I have reached the third trimester with this baby (name to be announced soon), and am beginning to feel and experience hope and joy at having made it this far - even some belief that Adam and I actually will get to hold this little girl, and that she will be a part of our family on earth, not just in heaven. The other being that I am approaching the one year anniversary of the day we lost our baby son Zach - and all the memories that go along with that (many of them still very vivid). Try to imagine the conflicting emotions. I honestly have struggled with how to feel this week.

Adam asked me the other day if I felt like it had been an entire year since that tragic day. I said no, because for me, time stopped last March, and didn't really pick up again for several months. I don't really have the sensation of experiencing a full year. He felt the same way.

We are holding a small memorial for Zach out at the cemetery on Saturday, the day of the one year anniversary. We did not have a funeral last year, and very few have even seen the grave marker. Adam and I are anticipating this as being a very fitting and comforting way to spend the day, having those closest to us surround us in loving memory of our first born son. We were also blessed to have some friends offer to host a reception afterwards at their house. We truly have felt loved.

10 years of being Valentines

2007-02-15T08:23:00.000-06:00

Adam and I just celebrated our 10th Valentines Day together. The picture above is from Valentines Day in 1998. At the time we were seniors in high school.

I can honestly say we are more in love now than we've ever been.

Article on grief.

2007-02-07T11:17:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Catherine for posting this article on grief (don't worry, it's short). I just thought it was worth sharing.

The many windows of God

2007-01-31T09:04:00.000-06:00

I like allegories, imagery, and word pictures. I will admit that sometimes they are cheesy, but for the most part, they are at least helpful to me.

One that I have come to think about frequently in the past year or so is the idea of God being a house with many windows. We don't really know for sure what it's like in the house until we are in heaven, but in this life we are given the opportunity to look inside a window or two.

For much of my life, I think I have only looked in one (or maybe two) of God's windows. I only had a few views into his house. And for a long time, that was all I needed. In fact, I didn't even realize there were other windows to look into.

I have now been torn away from that window and placed in front of another window. Another room in the house of God that I didn't know existed. One that many other people, I'm sure, don't know about, either (though to be sure, there are many who have looked inside this window). I want to share what I see in that window - that is, when I can see through the window. Many times the curtains have been closed, or when they are not, the glass is so dirty it's hard to see in. Those who do visit this window usually are in a hurry to move on, so very few take care to clean it for others who might come along after.

As for what I see, I will venture to say that though it often may not sound orthodox, it is just as valid as the view into any of the other windows of God. Perhaps in heaven I will learn that the window I have been looking through was a false window - but I don't think so.

I want to tell my friends and whoever may be reading this that I do not presume to say that the window I used to look into, or the one you are looking into, is no longer real or valid. I believe it is. But for it to be valid, my window must also be valid.

As for what I see through my window, it would take pages and pages to even begin to describe it. But I can probably share a few things. I see a God who did not live up to my expectations - who was not who I thought he was - who did not do the things I thought he would do, or say the things I thought he would say. Who, according to my human perception (which is all I have right now), abandoned me in my greatest time of need.

I see a God who refuses to fit into any mold I have ever tried to place him in; who is full of surprises and mystery; who is still real despite seeming as absent as ever; who somehow has not given up on me despite the years of drought and doubt; who has created beautiful people to sustain me when he is "not enough"; and who somehow has remembered me even when I feel forgotten.

This is just a tiny bit of what I see.

a note from me

2007-01-30T11:05:00.000-06:00

I just have so much to say that I have nothing to say, if that makes sense. I'm working hard at sorting through many difficult and often conflicting emotions about many different issues/situations and am just overwhelmed and bogged down. And, I've just had a particularly hard time in the last week and a half. I'm really looking forward to relief from internal turmoil... someday...

In the meantime, I'm thankful for my husband and friends for putting up with me lately. Their love is what keeps me going.

2007-01-21T21:57:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, life is just painful.

How I long for better days.

2007-01-18T16:56:00.000-06:00

Yes, I realize I have had a scarcity of posts lately. I don't like it that way. I often really do feel that I am a writer at heart, and when I don't write for periods of time, all the stuff inside of me starts to back-log (for lack of a better expression). Then it becomes overwhelming and because I am a perfectionist in writing and only want to present clear, logically organized thoughts, I just shut down and don't even make an attempt. Not a great way to function, really.

So, what has been on my mind lately? Many things. But one thing I thought I might write a little bit about is a book I read recently, called "A New Kind of Christian." The author of this book (Brian McLaren) is quite a controversial figure within the Christian world and because of that, I want to be careful in what I write here. This is a book that would have greatly upset me, even just a few years ago (and there were definitely still parts in the book that I had trouble with, don't get me wrong!). So, my intention in writing about this is not to offend anyone, only to share what has been going on within my spiritual life with the help of this book. I was very surprised to find how helpful this book was in explaining much of what I have been going through for some time now.

So, that said, for me, the book was right on. It is not for everyone, but it paints a very active picture of what has been happening in me lately. I have known something wasn't right with me for awhile now, in my faith, my view of God, my role in the "church", my understanding of science/religion, of "witnessing"/evangelism, of loving my neighbor, etc etc etc. Many times as I was reading the book, I had "lightbulb" experiences that seemed to shout "No wonder I have been feeling/thinking this way!" , or "No wonder I have been having problems with these concepts/ideas/beliefs!" It all makes so much sense, and the best part about it is that it made me realize that I have not lost my faith (or even just gone "liberal" - a bad word in the evangelical conservative circles I grew up in!). The problem is, I am just unable to function as a Christian in a "modern" sense - the way I grew up, the way that is still practiced around me by many, the way that is still expected of me (even by myself). The world has changed, and that is not a bad thing. The wonderful news about this is that I am not alone in this - there are many, many Christians going through this.

The book talks much about "postmoderism" as opposed to "modernism". I realize that "postmodernism" can carry quite a negative connotation within the evangelical/conservative world, but the book really described it in a way that really made sense to me and was not offensive (perhaps because my thinking has been changing for some time now). My favorite thing about postmodernism (that is emphasized in the book, anyway) is focusing on a new way to think of things (hence the title "A New Kind of Christian"). That is, thinking outside the box, one of my (many) soapboxes over the last few years. The book is a (fictional) conversation between two friends who are discussing the changes of being a Christian when going from the modern way of thinking to the postmodern way of thinking. The first man, Dan, is a pastor who is trying to understand and enter this new postmodern world, and the second, "Neo," is a former pastor-now school teacher who has a really good grasp of postmodernism and who shares what he learns with Dan. So often in dicussions Dan would try to pin Neo down by trying to get him to take a stance on one of the many issues that are so prevalent today - say, homosexuality, pluralism, different denominations/religions, science/evolution, tolerance, politics etc etc. While Neo has opinions on these issues, and doesn't deny that there are important issues, the theme throughout the book, again and again, was: You're missing the point! This is the stuff that we get so tangled up in, but this is not why we're here! Neo often draws a line on a piece of paper and on one end has the "liberal" view and on the other end has the "conservative" view. He points out to Dan that the majority of modern man's thinking tends to be somewhere on that line, whereas postmodernism rises above that line and sees things in a whole new light.

I. LOVE. THAT.

I'll stop here. Perhaps there will be more later, perhaps not.

More closure - sort of

2007-01-08T08:48:00.000-06:00

Well, Zach's grave marker is in and it is already set in the ground. We were excited and went out to look at it. The good news is the wording on the bronze plaque is perfect. The bad news is they ordered the wrong size granite stone that it sits on. They are going to correct it for us, but it will take another 3-4 months.

It doesn't look bad, it's just not as proportional as it is supposed to be (the granite marker is supposed to be smaller, so that the bronze plaque doesn't look so tiny). And it doesn't match the other infant grave markers, either. And, most of all, it's just not what we ordered...

Anyway, we are frustrated, but at least we have something out there for now...